First and foremost, it must be said. I don’t like Old people. And I know that’s almost looked at as blaspheme, mostly due to the fact that the media has painted the elderly as kind, wise, and loving folks, who genuinely care for young people and are always ready to dispense their wisdom, all while affectionately bearing a plate of freshly baked cookies for our enjoyment.

However, this is all a LIE.

In reality, the bulk of today’s senior citizens are bitter, hateful, fossils that live in the past and fear anything they don’t understand. I mean, look at the VCR. Have you actually ever seen an old person RECORD a movie on this now outdated device? And Lord help you if you ever try to unhook it! The reaction you get is absolute panic... and a reaction comparable to the one you’d get in the Pentagon if you accidentally fell onto the big red button under the glass….

You see, the fear is that the device in question is so complicated, (don’t even get me started on computers) that once undone, CAN NEVER AGAIN BE RE-INSTALLED…EVER!

Sometimes, I think that the elderly are secretly an underground organization, that convene once a week at locations like Swiss Chalet (their “secret” lair) discussing in great detail how they can annoy young people, all while enjoying an early, yet, economically agreeable meal. And with that said, don’t be surprised when the Chickens come home to roost, Y’all, and a bevy of blue hairs destroy you and everyone you care about!…or at least pester you about how “cold” they are all the time, or how tipping waiters 15% is ridiculous.

Anyway, from time to time, you’ll see me complain about the elderly in great detail, but just so you know, I was assimilated into their wrinkle-laden culture for almost 8 years, so believe me when I tell you that I know what I’m talking about.

The following rants originally appeared at The Wrestling Fan.com

I See Nearly Dead People

Anyone who knows me knows that I despise the entire “health conscious movement” today, and secretly harbor an urge to pour jugs of congealed bacon grease down these same peoples throats. But, it actually is getting WORSE. Much worse. For now, it’s not just heroes in their twenties living a life of “participaction”, but somehow this annoying phenomenon has made its way to this countries Senior Citizen population!

Hey don't get me wrong, if you are middle aged, feel free to putter in your silly garden or walk that puffy rat you call a dog, if it'll get the old blood pumping through your otherwise time-ravaged bodies. But, when I see society’s senior citizens running along my neighborhood streets-complete with matching pastel blue sweat suits and ridiculous heart rate monitors, I have to admit it gets my dander up. I mean, when do we as a society get to just fucking relax? I mean, there used to be a time when after putting in 50 years of hard labor, you'd at least get to retire to your small home and grow old gracefully, only exerting enough energy to grab your morning newspaper or pull your lumpy, broken body from a shallow drawn bath tub. Now a days, however, you won’t be hard-pressed to see the elderly aerobicized, in addition to cramming Atkin's friendly low carbs into their potato like heads. And it angers me. I just don't understand why they even bother. I mean, so what if it'll add ten years to your lives?...why even bother? Because, I have news for you, those years are SHITTY anyway. It's as if these people are actually fooled into thinking that they can recover the "looks" and appeal of youth through power walks, cycling and a “smart” diet. Well, I got news for you: YOU CAN’T. It's over for you and you might as well accept it. There's a saying for this type of behavior: YOU CANNOT POLISH A TURD. Besides, even if you do manage to manipulate your body into a shape that doesn't resemble a wet bag of laundry, you're still left with a head that looks like a dehydrated apple, so what’s the point?. I myself refuse to adhere to society’s pressure to have every member of civilization "fit". Fuck that. And you know what? If I'm going to die, it's going to be with a big fat smile on my face.

And you should have the same attitude. Besides, at 80, you may just be in great shape, but no amount of asinine ab-crunches is going to save your mind from it’s inevitable plunge into dementia. And sure, you’ll be able to pull a fucking schooner out of a lake with your teeth ala Jack Lalane, but you won’t be able to string a coherent sentence together, all because you didn’t have the decency to  die when the boney hand of the Reaper originally intended.

Might Not Be A Good Idea To Sit On Grandpa’s Lap Anymore…

 It seems like every time I open my email inbox these days, I’m not greeted with witticisms by my loyal readers, but am instead inundated with a slew of Spam emails, with dozens of ads for Viagra, and disturbing promises to enlargen my penis in three easy steps. And I don't know which ex-girlfriend is providing this information, but it's a bald faced lie! I'm all man, baby! Ok maybe not all man, but enough "man" to be legally classified as one.

And speaking of Viagra, this is one product I've never truly understood. I mean, how hard is it to get an erection? I mean, really?  I’d like to tell you the reason you can't get "it" up anymore doesn't lie with your ridiculously flaccid tool, but that’s a lie. Real men can get erections whenever they want. The whole E.D. phenomenon is a smoke screen to spare your feelings. Sorry…limpy.

This is ESPECIALLY true in the case of senior citizens, for whom this little blue ball of erectile goodness was originally designed for.  Although, I wouldn’t need a Doctor to tell me why Mr. Happy was all of a sudden stricken with “performance anxiety” at that age. Perhaps the real reason Gramps is unable to “get in the mood" now a days, is that his wife of 40 years is now built like a bulk bag of Yukon Gold potatoes. I don't know about you, but seeing some blue-hair in any state of undress would be enough to cause my member to crawl up inside my body and remain there dormant until the time of my ultimate demise.

In my humble opinion, old people just shouldn't be having sex anymore. There's plenty of other senior-friendly activities you could participate in. Like say, watering your grass, puttering about your silly garden, or stealing the complimentary newspaper from McDonalds after consuming thirteen consecutive cups of "free refill" senior-discounted coffee. Anything but sex. That's ours. Your time has come and passed you by in that department. I mean, shouldn’t the fact that old men physically transform into old women, and vice versa in their old age be enough to completely repulse one another and thus dissuade either of them from partaking in any of this insanity?

Besides, if the elderly have sex with the same attention spans in the bedroom that they do in everyday situations (i.e. hooking up a VCR.) then it wouldn't surprise me if full intercourse actually takes place before Grandad realizes "mum" is still in the bathroom, and he just made love to the tacky throw pillow she picked up at the local flea-market earlier that week.

So, in closing, to the elderly, just say "no" to the little blue pill and accept your limitations as a “half-man”. Besides, when I think of my grandpa, I want to think of glasses of O.J. in the morning, and maybe a timeless story of how he led a much more difficult life than anyone (specifically under the age of…100?) ever could, not the image of him triumphantly waving his synthetically-assisted penis around the boudoir like the world's most disturbing Jedi Knight.

So, for the sake of humanity, if you’re over the age of 60, please consider your penis dead, and move on with your lives…you know, what you have left of them…

More Rants To Come, Stay Tuned!

I’m Sean;