All kidding aside, I have nothing against Lesbians, (in fact I've adopted the same lifestyle myself) I’m just amused by the irony that some lesbians are attracted to women who look like men, and can only have intercourse by using a device that is BY DESIGN created to resemble a PENIS. Which leads me to the conclusion that the dick isn't what they really despise, but rather, what’s attached to it....that being the rest of the man...

And you know, I have to tend to agree. Men are hairy, hideous and repugnant. As a matter of fact, I can't understand why any woman, in any point of history, EVER agreed to have sex with a man, period. We bring absolutely nothing to the table physically, whatsoever. I mean, I can't even watch a porn movie if there's a guy in it. As men, there's just certain angles we are NEVER supposed to witness. And if it wasn't for technology, and film in particular, we'd have absolutely no idea how truly repulsive we look while in the throws of coital "action". So, my hat goes off to you in that regard. You’re a much more tolerant person than I.

And I don't know about you, but I for one could go a lifetime without ever seeing my own balls, which for the record, are the human body's equivalent of the chrome bulldog hood-ornament. That being, grotesquely ugly and serving no aesthetic purpose whatsoever.

OK, now that we've established that men are repulsive, You must admit that deep down, you require the penis for survival, and until you can figure out a way to procreate without us (bar sperm banks) let us instead come to a compromise. We'll supply said genitals you need, and you in return can utilize them as if they were the regular grab bag of "sexual aids" you partake in, like a kid in a candy-store with your “partner”. Then, from there, we'll in turn just lie there while you use our bodies as the world's most disturbing pummel-horse! And if worse comes to worse, we'll even be willing to wear a foam latex Rosie O'Donnell mask, if that's what float’s your boat. I’m nothing if not flexible.

I guess the bottom line is: why take it from a big fat woman who looks like a guy, with a strap-on, working you over like someone trying in vain to use a garden-weasel in February, when you can have a REAL fat guy, with a NON-DETACHABLE appendage?! It's simple arithmetic if you think about it.

Call it a public service or whatever, but you should learn to embrace the penis, even if you're not particularly enamored with its life-support system. The fate of humanity may depend on it. I mean, face it, when you have an itchy ear, you stick your finger in your ear to scratch it... you don't put an "ear" in an "ear".

Men are only good for one thing (well, since the grocery store came about and removed our necessisity to “hunt”) and by becoming a lesbian, you’re taking that away from us. With my compromise, we can all win! We can have sex (or at least hold a video camera while you do) and you can still maintain your trusting relationship with your “life partner”, still enjoying the joys of flannel, Emo poetry, and hating us! We’re all winners this way!