The Following originally appeared at

The Wrestling Fan.com

The recent WWE Summer Slam commercials reminded me, it’s an Olympic year!... And I couldn’t possibly care less!

I mean, let’s be frank, we’re talking about an event originated by sweaty naked Greeks, who’d be chompin at the bit to grind each other down every four years atop Mt. Olympus in various sports that were competed in the buff…all the while certain “pieces” carelessly rubbed up against each other with reckless abandon. That’s just wrong and not a “tradition” I care to embrace. In fact, I compare it to crossing the streams in Ghostbusters: Something that should never be attempted, unless absolutely necessary.

Anyway, fast forward a few thousand years and I’ll tell you: It’s not the spirit of the games I don’t care for, but instead some of the actual “sports” themselves. (Summer and Winter respectively)

I mean what the fuck is with the Luge? Basically you’re talking about a sport where someone lays down on a slab and just slides to the bottom of a big slide. This is hardly a sport that requires the dedication and athletic gifts that is usually the staple of EVERY other Olympic sport. I mean come on, they’re just laying there!

The bottom line is you could probably throw Christopher Reeves on one of those luges and give him a big push down that tube, and there’d still be a chance he could snag Gold!

Farther down the scale though is probably the single STUPIDEST sport in history, and Canada’s contribution to ridiculousness: Curling!

You get the impression that after hockey was invented, the powers that be said, “well, we got all this ice…we might as well make up some sports to use it!”

And the fact that most of the curlers themselves are built a lot like a sack of wet towels doesn’t exactly add to the mystique that is the average life-long dedicated Olympic athlete. Call me crazy, but I’d just have a hard time pinning all my national hopes on a bunch of guys who are built like my morbidly obese mail man. But hey, that’s just me.

Add to that, the sheer ridiculousness of the “sport” itself, and you have a winning package. I mean, what does all that sweeping really do? I got news for you, it’s a fucking ILLUSION. Comparable to that guy who thinks that if he keeps his hand on the mattress tied to the roof of his car, it won’t go anywhere if it somehow comes loose… because, damn it! He’s got his ONE HAND out there to keep it in place! Same with those brooms. All the “sweeping” in the world isn’t going to propel that stupid giant puck any faster…

But you do have to love the intensity in which they play.  A guy sliding on one knee while two idiots sweep around the “rock” with all the skill of a retarded janitor, while yelling out “SWEEP!” repeatedly (just in case they forgot what the purpose of A FUCKING BROOM is.)

Silly, silly sport.

And finally, I have ALL the respect in the world for runners, but I just can’t get into the long distance running.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve turned on the games, only to see a group of poor malnourished Kenyans start the run, only to tune back in like four hours later and see that EXACT SAME lot of poor souls still out there plugging away, looking as if they’ve donated 2/3 of the blood in their body while I was channel surfing, and sporting a bewildered look that says: “Please kill me. I don’t want to run anymore!”  But still, there they are, still given’er….

And sure, you’d learn to build up endurance too if you had to run from village to village in a desperate quest for your next meal…but I just find it mind-numbingly BORING.

Personally, I don’t know why they’d even want to do it. But then again, If you’re going to be running anyway, might as well do it on asphalt and not the on the Safari with a lion on your ass.

Meh, maybe I’m just bitter because my home country of Canada never wins anything…but damn, we do win A LOT of silver medals, which means, as Jerry Seinfeld once said: “Of all the losers, we’re the best. We’re the number one loser!”

Anyway, no matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to ever get excited about the Olympics. But maybe that could change, if some “minor” changes were implemented:

1)     No more ugly women.(particularly female athletes from Germany & Russia) No offense to you, and I’m sure you’re as “strong as an Ox” and could probably rip me in half with your bare hands, but let’s be frank, you’re not exactly easy on the eyes. I mean, can’t they find women who can run fast or pick shit up, who don’t look like shaved gorillas (and sometimes not even “shaved”...)

Hey, maybe I’m just used to turning on the tube and seeing attractive people, I don’t know, but come on, maybe you could take about 20 minutes a day out of running through the snow with a log on your shoulder to learn to apply a little make-up? It’d be nice.

2)     Eliminate any sports from the lineup that I could participate in.

Hey, the appeal of the Games is to see people doing things that no normal person can do. But why would I want to watch a couple of dudes bowling? I mean, seriously? Call me old fashion, but when I picture a dedicated “athlete”, I don’t picture paunchy men in powder blue button up shirts, cramming a mustard soaked bratwurst into mouths between sets…

3)     Create some new *Exciting* Sports!

You want to “spice” up the Olympics? Well, how but adding some intrigue to the games? I mean, take the long jump for instance. Difficult? Sure. But entertaining? No way. Well, how bout creating a trap door filled with Tigers? That way, not only is he competing for National glory, but also his very life! I mean, with the prospect of being devoured by several bloodthirsty exotic cats on your hands, you just watch how many times that World Record gets shattered!