There’s a growing trend going on now a days that quite frankly, I’m getting a little tired of. That of course being the HUMANIZING of pets. And before I get into this, let me say this is not an attack on pet owners, just the ones who exhibit certain behavior that I’ll get into below:

Hey, I know you love your pet, that’s fine. However, you need to come to terms with the fact of regardless of your twisted views, your beloved family pet is NOT actually a member of the family. And more importantly, they’re NOT a person.

I have my particular reasons why I feel this way (partly because certain members of my family treat their animals better than they did they’re *REAL* family).The other reason is that recently, I got a card from a friend who’s ridiculously sentimental girlfriend signed not only they’re names, but their dog “Puffy’s”, with her even including a drawn “paw-print” to insinuate that somehow “Puffy” gained opposable thumbs to sign the card himself, and seal the deal with a paw-print as a pseudo signature. Bah.

However, the ABSOLUTE WORST at this trend of pet humanization is definitely  my mortal enemy: The Elderly. Couple that with the fact that ALL old people tend to own the smallest, yappiest, FAGGIEST dogs on the planet, and as a result, what you get is the World’s WORST and most irritating pet owners.

The fact is, most old people are emotionally shallow, and thus have to emotionally attach themselves to their pets if only for the reason that the animals show them unconditional love and affection (or so they think). And since the elderly have zero patience, they tend to prefer the company of animals to people in most cases because their animals are somewhat subservient. There is a reason why certain old bags have like twenty cats, people, and it’s simply because they have NO CONCEPT OF RELATING TO ANY PEOPLE WHATSOEVER, and would rather live a world of make believe where they convince themselves that they don't need "anybody" and that their stupid cats are really their “family”.

These are also the same types of people who openly refer to their animals as their “babies” or “children”. However, unlike REAL children, these animals have zero concept of your incessant bullshit. Because if they did, they’d probably take their over-priced calcified store-bought chew toy and drive it through their skulls, just to stop the pain.

However, the only thing that almost rivals the elderly for sheer ridiculousness, are the yuppie types who choose not to go the route nature intended and actually have real children, but instead fill that “void” by buying a pet, and from there, pretending that it’s really a surrogate child. Only, unlike a REAL child, the pet can be disposed of when the yuppie inevitably gets tired of the fad, or when it shits on their stupid high density African burbur carpet, or knocks over their fucking trendy paper mache decorative floor Giraffe.

These are also the types of people who more times than not, tend to name their dogs with human names like “Greg” or “Bill”.

What about Spike, or Rover, or other classics? No, since he’s a member of the family now (and a real family member doesn’t lick his own asshole) he should have a person’s name!…

These types, much like the elderly, also tend to dress their dogs up in little clothes, like wool booties, sweaters and even Rain coats! I asked one of these idiots once why they did this, and they said “well, Greg gets cold”. Cold? He’s a fucking animal! He’s supposed to be built for this shit! And quite frankly, he’s had about 10,000 years of evolution to get his shit together! Maybe, if you didn’t shave him down so he’s basically a hot dog with feet, he wouldn’t get “cold”.

The funny thing to me though is that these owners actually believe that “Greg” loves them UNCONDITIONALLY. 

And even though Greg may not appear to care about your bad breath, increasingly fat ass, or the fact you can no longer maintain an erection, if you think they'll love you under any circumstances, you're wrong. Try not feeding “Greg” for a few weeks and see how much it "adores" you. In fact, given the right circumstances, “Greg” would EAT you. And unlike your real family, he wouldn’t bat and eye about it. The fact is you are its provider. Nothing more. It may care about you on a BASIC level, but you’re replaceable. Think about that next time Greg’s hungry or has to take a shit.