The Following originally appeared at

The Wrestling Fan.com

You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake- Tyler Durden, Fight Club;

And neither are your children. In fact, they’re all the same: loud, irritating, spoiled… and probably fat too.

You know, I never used to feel this way…but that was likely due to the fact that I was one at the time….

Anyway, there are few things in this world that get under my skin as much as children do, and truth be told, it’s all your ( the parents) fault.

Somewhere along the line, Children were told they now have a say, or worse yet, that their “opinions” actually mattered. Well, they don’t. Children ARE NOT “little adults”, and letting them have any input in anything is detrimental to them. I mean, how else are they going to learn their “place” in society when you’ve taught them that they can pretty much do whatever they want?

Parents need to take back the reigns in the parent/child relationship, and put them back in their proper place in the pecking order:  which for the record is just above dog.

But, no. Not these days, where “Liberal Mommy” lets her rug rats completely run wild, much to the chagrin of those in restaurants trying to enjoy horrible, yet economically agreeable meals at places like McDonalds.

With that in mind, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve went to McDonalds for a quick bite after shopping, only to see these grubby-faced hooligans race up the stairs, and plunk themselves down in the swivel chairs RIGHT NEXT to where I was sitting. It was as if I had a bulls-eye written on my chest or something, because it happened EVERY TIME. Then of course from there, being that their brains are two steps above mongoloid, they proceed to swing in the chairs, climb on the tables, and pretty much distract me from consuming the synthetic meat substitute on a bun that I can now truthfully say has taken 10 years off my life. All this while “mom” orders their Happy Meal and shoots the occasional wave or smile their way- all of course while not telling them to sit down and shut up, as any decent angry parent would do. I mean, that’s what they invented those infernal play areas for In McDonalds. So we could enjoy our barely edible meals in peace, and they in turn can be housed in a giant glass cubicle, getting their little fat bodies stuck between the rungs of the gigantic metal Grimace endoskeleton.

You know, there was a time where you could take a stand. A time when “horseplay” was rewarded with five across the eyes…whether you were their parent or not! And, as soon as you got back to the farm, your father too would be waiting to give you a SECOND whoopin’ for being such a fucking asshole. Damn, do I miss the good old days.

Maybe, I’m just pissed because kids today had it so much easier than we did. I mean, kids get away with everything these days, and all without any CONSEQUENCES. And when John Q. Hippy actually does “punish” their children, it’s usually the infamous “time-out”. Well, I got news for you, the only “time out” I ever got is when Dad’s punching arm got tired…. OK, I made that last part up….

Anyway, there is something to be said for the character building that only a good beating can provide. The great thing about a good “beating” is that you never have to ask twice!

Children also are twenty times as stupid as they were in my day, and that’s really saying something. You’d think with all the technology out there, that someone under the age of 16 would be able to at least string together one coherent sentence. And I find it hilarious that they know the lyrics to every faggish boy-band song, yet have the collective English skills of a right off the boat refugee.

And speaking of technology, Children DO NOT NEED CELL PHONES. There is NO ONE they need to call that badly that would merit you having to buy one for them. Cell phones are only for pretentious yuppies who pretend that they’re important by having fake loud conversations in public places, as if their conversations couldn't wait 'til they got back out to the "Beemer".

Ok, with this said, here is few comments or suggestions to help YOU be a better parent;

-Do not name your children something stupid; This seems to be a huge trend amongst new parents these days, and needs to be STOPPED, post haste. Take Gwyneth Paltrow for example, who recently named her newborn “Apple”.

I’ve got news for you. Your child is not a stupid dog. You can’t just go around and name them things you think are "unique" or “cute”, because unlike your stupid ass, these poor bastards have to actually live with these names. And by naming a kid something like Apple, you’re pretty much guaranteeing that once at school, they’ll have their underwear pulled so far up their asses that they’ll be puking up the elastic waist band.

-If you ask your child to clean up their room and they say “No”, you:

A)      Ground them for a week;

B)      Suspend their allowance;

C)      Light them up with a Benoit-esque open hand chop;

Answer: C. You’ll be surprised just how much that room SPARKLES!

-If you find drugs in their room you:

A)      confiscate and destroy;

B)      Sit them down and talk it out;

C)      Smoke a big fat bowl.

Answer: C. There is NO better deterrent to drug use with your kids than seeing your nerdy ass all strung out and high. And besides, the pot will at least make them seem somewhat more bearable to you;

-People who use the phrase “It takes a village to raise a child” : Fuck you. This villager is busy with his own shit.

-Stop telling your children “you can be whatever you want when you grow up!”

No you can’t. Your Mom’s a dirty liar. I mean how many Astronauts or Presidents are there? The fact is that if everyone become what their parents “thought they could be”, there’d be no janitors to mop up piss in the rest rooms. The fact is: If you are stupid, you won’t ever be anything. Forrest Gump was a lie.

-When your kid says: “Well, Billy’s parents let him do __________ (whatever)” . Simply answer: “Well, Billy’s a Fag.”  It shows just the right amount of intolerance and disinterest that they’ll know how truly little you care about their plight.