I HATE STUFF: Women Vs. Men

WOMEN VS. MEN

The Following originally appeared at

-The following is satire. It is simply my rebuttal to the thousands of women's magazines that fool women everyday into thinking that men are their problem.

Hey, we all know women and men are different creatures. Hell, there was even a book written about it called "Men are from Mars…Women are from Venus" (not to be confused with my book: "Women are from Venus…so let’s go to Venus!")

I think Men have a pretty good grasp on this. We know to stay away when the looming arrival of your "Aunt Flo" is coming. And we’ll even give out the patented manly hug, complete with three taps on the back when you go through your emotional histrionics . We don’t understand your bizarre tendencies, but we at least don’t ask questions.

On the other end of the spectrum, women don’t seem to have a clue about men at all. You’ve labeled us this great mystery when the truth is a lot simpler. What you see is what you get. Unlike women, we don’t code our feelings to mean something completely different when we say it. If we say "We’re hungry", that means we’re hungry and not some other stupidity.

Some women have finally grasped this concept, but sadly others do not. (And you’ve had 10,000 years to figure it out). So, for those women who still wonder why their man always seems annoyed with them, let me list some things you should NEVER say to him again.

"What are You Thinking"?- This is the worst. You want to know what we're thinking? Nothing. That’s right. We’re probably just watching TV or scratching our balls. We’re not complicated creatures. There’s no hidden agendas, or masked feelings here. In fact, our brains are pretty close to a being a gerbil running on a wheel. Feed us. Fuck us. And let us sleep. And repeat. This makes us content, just like the noble rodent.

Does this make me look fat? No. Your face does. Is there a good answer to this question? The answer is "No". No matter what you say, it’ll be the wrong answer. Try being more like men. If someone asks us if we stink, we’ll answer: "You sure do!". End of story. No hurt feelings. Just a couple of smelly people comfortable with themselves and one another.

Do you prefer spending time with your friends? Yes. Yes I do. If not, I wouldn’t go out.

If you want to change this, maybe try being more interesting. And I’m DEFINITELY not talking about pretending to enjoy "the game" with hubby just because you want to snuggle and "chat".

You never see men do this. Never in a million years would you ever see a man ask if he can go shopping for shoes or purses with you just to "spend time together". It bores the fuck out of him. So, that said, either learn to like the same things as your man, or get a hobby. Besides, he’ll be back in a couple of hours.

Sex is different for me: It shouldn’t be. Sex is no great mystery. Sorry, but it’s not. In reality Sex is no different than any other bodily function. Women have just decided somewhere along the line to complicate the matters by interjecting "emotions" into it.

You don’t see dogs or monkeys "cuddle" afterward. The Dog simply shakes himself off and goes onto to eat some trash out of the garbage.

Stop complicating things. It’s a physical act…just like eating. And after we "eat" a huge meal, we just want to get up and go do something else, because the urge has been quenched. We don’t want to sit there and continue to force "breadsticks" in our fucking mouths, because, frankly, we’re "full".

It’s the same with sex. The act is now over. Let's move on. Stop looking into my eyes, and let’s go get a sandwich, ‘kay?

These differences having been plaguing the sexes for thousands of years, and yet, the argument is always the same: "If only he (your boyfriend/husband) was more like women!" But I ask, why can't women be more like men? Ladies, you have no idea how much more freeing your life would be if you embraced our club. I'm talking about an existence of indulgence, where there's no gray area, no hidden agendas, no emotions clouding your better sense. Just one big selfish fucking mess, with ZERO guilt. So cast off your shackles and cross over to the darkside! Join the world of logically thinking people and dispose of your emotional baggage because I have news for you: IT'S NOT REAL. I know women don't want to hear this, but it's true. Your silly emotional machinations are brought on by hormones in your body. It's tantamount to being drugged, really. So, as mad as you think you are when you get PMS, realize that it's all "make believe" and that it will pass. And revel in the fact that once you hit menopause, you'll finally be free of this demon.

OK, end rant.

I'm Sean.

I can be reached for well wishes, and congratulatory hugs here.